After 10 years of being together, my husband has just told me that he’s been having an affair with an Puerto Rican woman for the last 4 months. He’s told me that he still loves me but his attraction to Latin women is so strong that he couldn’t resist having his fantasy happen. I still love him but I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again. Help?
OW – Culver City, CA
Help indeed. You needs lots of it – buckets in fact. Most men, and many women, for that matter, have affairs because there’s something missing in their relationship and they go looking for it from someone else. The affair is a wake-up call for you and your husband to take a closer look at what’s been happening in your relationship. Regardless of his delicacy in women he’s looking for something that these women represent to him. Meaning, he’s projected onto them something he wants more of in his life. Who knows what that is – I certainly don’t and wouldn’t want to hazard a guess. But you should. Be curious about what he’s looking for – open up a conversation with him and see if the two of you can use the affair to grow your relationship deeper. And, if he’s not willing to talk to you about it and he keeps seeking to satisfy his craving – you can trust that that is what he will continue to do; leaving you with the choice of putting up with it or dumping him.
"I just turned 29, and for the first time in my life I know I want to settle down – I’m starting to think about family. Problem is that I had it pretty fucked-up as a kid, and most of the guys I meet turn out to be ‘bitches.’ I think I’m doomed, cause you can’t make something out of shit right? What do you think?"
ED – Rochester, N.Y.
Well I’m a big believer in fate – I think we’re all on a pre-destined path and that each of our lives is customized for us to learn the most about who we are and what we’re made of. But we’re talking about what you believe here right? It’s your perspective, beliefs and stories about marriage, family, kids and men that are important to look at. Perhaps the guys you hook up with turn out to be bitches because at an unconscious level that’s what you’re looking for – a guy who you can control and be disappointed by, rather than a man who could be a trusted partner. Your history doesn’t have to be a life sentence unless you buy into it. The cool thing about being a human being is that we get to make our own choices – we actually get to choose the life we want. It’s time to take a look at yourself and get a handle on the life you’ve been living so you can make different choices going forward. The first step will be to figure out what family means to you and what type of mother you want to be; what are your values, principles, dreams and expectations. Map those out , then go looking for the man who fits that picture. As fate would have it – he’ll likely show up.
“My girl found my porn stash and now she’s on my case. I like looking at pregnant chicks who squirt – it’s all fantasy for me but now she’s thinking I’m a freak. What do I do?
Anon – Montreal P.Q.
Freak? No. Witholder? Yes. You sit down with her and tell her all about your fantasy. You tell her as much as you know about how pregnant women who squirt give you wood. You do it honestly, with love and with the goal of turning her doubt of you and the relationship into a deeper bond. You be a man and let her know if there is anything else about the relationship you’ve been stashing. The more you’re willing to step up and open up – the greater the likelihood that she’ll see your still a decent guy with a kink, rather than the decent guy she met who is now a dink.
Til next week,
Dale
Dale Curd is Director of The Mens Program and a counselor in private practise. Check him out at www.DaleCurd.com.
Dale is the co-host of "Guy Talk" 10 pm (EST)Sunday nights on CFRB 1010 or www.CFRB.com.
