Uh, yeah,…just to be clear I’m not asking you if you’re into MMA, or whether you train with Moni Azik in Commando Krav Maga, or if you honor the tiger, the crane, the monkey, or the snake. I’m asking who are you when you’re face to face in an argument with a friend, co-worker, boss, girlfriend, spouse or parent.
Are you a Bully, a Placator, Mr. Smiley, or my personal favorite, “Hello Are You There”?
Who are you in the daily conflicts that are life? This is your true fighting style and its important to know what our way of handling conflict is so we can better navigate the many twists and turns of living. Do you rise to the occasion and speak directly and compassionately, or are you all bluster? Do you shrink and cower, or walk away when the heat in the kitchen is too hot, or do you stand in the fire and risk being scorched to prove the strength of your love?
Conflict is nothing to shy away from and it is certainly not something we want to stay stuck in. A conflict regardless of the nature or content is simply growth trying to happen. Yes, it’s that simple – it is growth trying to happen. At some level every argument has a point and the deeper you’re willing to go to discover what the point is you’ll likely find that you or the other person has a need or longing that is not being met. And when our needs are not being met we get pissed. And without going into a litany of sub-needs, we all have two basic needs: to love and be loved; and to have self-worth and be worthy to others.
So let’s come back to your fighting style. If you’re a:
Bully – you like to control the outcome of the argument or conflict by being intimidating. You’ve learned somewhere somehow that being intimidating is a way for you to have the most control over the people and events in your life. You’re loud, possibly threatening, a lousy listener, and what most people wouldn’t know – deeply afraid of anyone truly standing up to you.
Placator – you like to avoid conflict at all cost. You’re a legendary matador in the face of anyone charging down on you. You’ll want to be soft-spoken, reasonable, perhaps even calm on the surface. You may offer to take the blame for everything just so the temperature never really rises. You might even go into a whole pile of behaviours designed to smooth things over or dampen the fuse.
Hello Are You There – you leave the building, just like Elvis. Either emotionally by being completely shut down or stonewalled, or by literally bailing, you avoid conflict like the plague. I’ve seen extreme cases of this where the individual actually becomes physically ill, just so they can avoid being in an argument or conflict.
Mr. Smiley – you eat the shit of conflict as if it were filet mignon with big beaming smile. You work really hard to appear on the surface as if no amount of screaming or hysteria can crack your smiling disposition. You’re like a chocolate dip cone – beneath the grinning façade your oozing with emotion and barely able to contain yourself.
So, what’s the good news out of all of this? Well, again it’s really quite simple. Conflict is a necessary part of life. It is how as humans we struggle to get our most basic needs met. Conflicts intensify when we deny ourselves or others deny us the space, time and presence to air our grievances. Conflict is a process which must flow. Inhibit the flow and you get more tension. Learn what your fighting style is and you’ll discover an important ingredient in the life long journey of knowing who you are and reducing the tension in your life.
Now Grasshopper, you are ready to take the pea from my hand.
Til next week,
Dale
Dale Curd is Director of The Mens Program and a counselor in private practise. Check him out at www.DaleCurd.com.
Dale is the co-host of "Guy Talk" 10 pm (EST)Sunday nights on CFRB 1010 or www.CFRB.com.
