I live in a neighbourhood that is frankly flush with beautiful women of all ages. It’s a California of sorts but with the four seasons of fashion.
I was sitting outside my favourite java brew pub the other day and overheard a couple of ‘dudes’ talking about the opposite sex. A young woman walked by in pre-Summer outfit, short shorts, tight top and a walk that was a gentle side to side meander. “That’s what I’m lookin’ for,” says guy who has spend a little too much time in front Halo and Pringles. “What’s that?” says buddy. “You know someone with style, a tight package – someone really well put together.” Buddy, then turns to guy and notices, “man, look at yourself,…you don’t even take care of yourself. How could you ever get with a girl like that?”
Sage words, indeed, I thought.
So often, when we’re seeking out the other our starting point is to find someone who represents everything we love about ourselves already as well as, everything we’d like to change or better about ourselves. Almost as if we’re looking for the perfect us. The person we could be if we really wanted to be. Aspirational Man, I call him.
After years of counseling couples, and men and women who struggle with relationship, I see now that our starting point is all wrong. We’re mostly mis-matched from the beginning and doomed to failure as the relationship goes through the inevitable ups and downs of life.
Listen gentlemen, like attracts like. The best way to find relationship success is to begin by taking an honest look at who you are.
How well do you know yourself?
Perhaps you’re an avid hockey junkie, who likes to live hard, play even harder who is more interested in ‘casual encounters’ than entering the funhouse of long term commitment. When it comes to choosing a hook up, you keep finding yourself attracted to the ‘girl next door’ types; you know, the ones who are sweet, innocent, healthy and highly dependable.
These girls represent safety and security to you – you know they’re always going to be there for you no matter what kind of shit you get into or, how much of an asshole you are. Clearly, you’re looking for a reliable conquest and she’s looking for Mr. Right Now.
As a therapist, what I know to be true is that most of us get into relationships with people who mirror some aspect of our relationship with our parents. Yes, this means that at some time you will date some version of your Mother, Father, or, perhaps your big Sister or the babysitter you had as a child. Scary thought no?
Look at who you are honestly; take a fearless moral inventory of what’s true about you and, more importantly, what it is that you offer someone in a relationship. Relationships are not about what you get rather, they grow by what is offered from each person.
So stop dating superficial hot lookin’ honeys because at some level it makes you feel bigger and better about your self and try spending some time with someone who makes you smile.
And hey, if you’re a superficial hot lookin’ dude, then stop cruising nice girls who want to settle down because it makes you feel better about being a superficial hot lookin’ dude and leave them to the men who can offer them what they want and need.
Til next week,
Dale
Dale Curd is Director of The Mens Program and a counselor in private practise. Check him out at www.DaleCurd.com.
Dale is the co-host of "Guy Talk" 10 pm (EST)Sunday nights on CFRB 1010 or www.CFRB.com.
